It’s been two weeks here. Still I don’t understand the situation and procedure of this place. Every place has its own manner, ryt? I am already wrong. I am wrong in locating myself within. Perhaps, I could not switch my brain over in this new place. Summer this year, I rather confuse whether follow a religious summercamp in Krapyak as Mas Din suggest, accept typing offering from Mas Irham or go to somewhere to take care lil children. I choose the last. I don’t know why. Just my heart says that I really want to go there. How easy this life. I was thinking to go to an orphanage, and His lead my way. One friend of mine was giving me chance to visit and do my summercamp. Since I like children, involve in community-based program and looking for His grant in this holy month. Yeah, I do get it all. Everything.
Well, later it is enjoyable but I feel so damn pathetic. I feel like I am the right person in a wrong time and situation. First, I forget to switch my habit which is a campus-citizen to be a society involve project. So sad. I say. This is unusual for me. Usually I can switch myself based on the situation, but now? Yeah. Forget my fault. It is too stupid.
Second, I think that the students here are cute (although they are naughty). Yeah, what else you can hope from anak SD-SMP-SMA who are in they are naughty-age?. For me it is common to find that they are naughty. Memang masih masa nakal nakalnya anak, sih. However, they are really hardheaded. Kepala batu. Their room, especially the elementary school students room is really really dirty. In a day when I scolded by Simbok, I paid my guilty by cleaning their room. It was four big buckets of garbage. Two big boxes of dirty clothes which no one wants to recognize which the clothes belongs to them. Oh, cute.
Third, the senior here seems so ignorant. A cute-older woman here never tells me everything about what to do-what should I do-what is my job or even the role in this place. It leads me into a problem. Since the situation here is not as friendly as I think, I caught in it. There was a day when I wake up and go to the office and find a crowd. I sat down and salam to the old woman and man. Behind, they talk about me. The old woman said “who she is?”. Ouch damn and I had known it several days ago. Kinda pretty cute because it means I did wrong. But here I won’t say that I am the only one give wrong. How could the senior here not introduce me as a new?. Hello.. This is the fault if there is more than one leaders. One leader will feel not to important to talk with other, it does not mean the other leader to know. Ouch.. more than cute.
I used to examine people before I interact with them. The senior here is really good but she is really cold. Ignorant, it supposed. I try to warm up the situation with talk but then it means nothing. Still cold and I feel unaccepted. So sad. In the other day, suddenly the old lady came and she noticed my t-shirt. Oh, God, I forget. Again. I forget to switch my school-ability to this new place. I have just known it in the next day when the assistant in this place said to me “naaah.. it is good to see you in a formal. Yesterday Ibu said that she did not like you using t-shirt. She is used to be an important person and respectful”. I was stunned and said to my self “Oh, Dear, how could you so stupid again? but what I really feel deep sad is no one wants to warn me about all the culture, role and values of society in this place”. I am exhaling the weight and suggest my own to stand here. “The day to come back is near. Don’t be afraid. Keep going and keep patient”. Then smiled.
I used to work in a clear coordination. When I work with other people, we will plan and make everything clear before we go work. We divide a clear job to every person in team to avoid the uncontrolled mistakes. Here, I came and until now I am nothing. I am not come here only for sleeping and eating such a move away my boarding house into here, right?. I just confuse how this place works as a continue program where there is dualism leader and the staffs is not able to do anything except they receive the mandate from the boss. I was sinking in a boredom cause I do nothing except do little thingy which is very confusing. I just feel like I am trapped in the dark and no one lead me to the light. When I have done mistakes, there is no one gives me suggestion. I do the procedure to receive the visitor and give them nota until I know that the sentences inside must be proper. No one gives me suggestion to correct my work. I have just known it from my previous checking in the book. Oh, damn. I have learn about hospitality but now I don’t think I learn it here. So sad.
I have an idea to make a printing class for the children. I just sad to see the daily activity here is only sleep, sleep and sleep. The children have no idea except spend this holy month with sink their head in the pillow. Since I have so many kakak who are expert in this matter, I start to talk to one of them. It must be ended with deal until I feel something going wrong. When I talk to the senior here, I am sure that they agree at all. but.. the problem is I must talk with the old lady. Oh damn.. who I am that come here and change everything meanwhile no one gives me guidance all about this place?. Later, when I talk with some students, they do not really interest with something like this. Fine. This is just about the pattern. Damn.
Well, it does not mean that I get nothing here. Bunch of points I have learnt. I should aware with switching-code and locate myself within the situation no matter what. Second, it is so sad when you are in mistake but no one gives you guidance. Sedih nggak sih, kalau salah tapi nggak ada yang benerin?. Makanya saya lebih seneng dibilangin atau dimarahin daripada cuma didiemin. Third, if you are a leader, make sure that you are able to maintain your situation and avoid dualism. It is confusing. Saya berharap saya adalah tipe leader yang ngemong. Saya ngerti rasanya salah nggak dibenerin. Pahit. Hiks. And the last, try to be more care and friendly. Bikin orang lain ngerasa diterima. Suasana yang hangat itu lebih asik.
Fine. This is my surhat. Feel better now.