I am exhaling in weight. I want to cry. Really. Seems that you guys gonna go far away. “Sekarang jalan sendiri ya, Put. Kita udah nitah kalian lama banget. Sudah saatnya kalian jalan sendiri”. you guys want us to walk meanwhile you guys just stand in your place, waving on us. I want to cry. In a moment when you guys still celebrating the night, I close my eyes waste my face. I want to cry. Again. I feel like now I am grown up. Hiks.
Several months later, somebody calls me. In a short moment of calling, I try so hard to make sure that I am okay. I want you feel calm since nowadays situation does not allow you to move so much. You are sick. How your mother so panick. I can feel it. Several months later, you sit down in front of me. Talking in a little, but confusing. To receive this big responsibility. You asking for forgiveness. Again. I spend hours to make sure (again) that it is okay. However, you still sinking in sadness. I try to give you flame. But I don’t know. Does it work? Just you and God know it well. I look to the sky. Waste my eyes up to the daylight.
I realize that my deeds knocking down you. You think that the condition is better without you. Just because of me, everything is running smoothly. But you are wrong. No, it is not like that. You just see it from the surface. Tahukah kamu saya pontang panting ngurusin semuanya?. So sad if you know nothing. When you left everything in messy, I try to collect the pieces to be one again. Mana kamu ninggalin banyak bagian berantakan lagi. Sulit? Banget. Iya. Saya sampai bingung harus bagaimana. Jika nggak ada kakak kakak dan partner partner yang ngebantuin, saya yakin semuanya nggak akan jalan. I try to low down my ego only to ngemong. Sumpah. Cuma itu doang yang saya inginkan. Ngemong. I am nothing here. Just an older sister for my siblings here. I have been a younger sister for years, I have great kakak-kakak. And now, this is my time. I am not younger anymore. I become a kakak. What is the role of kakak? Keep and ngemong adik adiknya. Simple but not as easy as like that. What I want is: since I was dimong by my kakak-kakak, I will do as same as them. Their kindness gonna be preserved. I also gonna ngemong as I was dimong. Itu kenapa saya nggak pernah merasa terbebani. Berat?. Iya, sangat. Banget. Tapi buat saya bukan beban. Saya terima tanggungjawab ini dengan hati riang dan ikhlas.
Dualism leader happens here. Two persons, in a different time confusing everything. Who is wrong? No no. This is not the time we accuse and blame anyone. Including me, I have much falsity, mistakes. No matter what. But I am not the leader. I just a helper. When you are absent for a while, I go straight to help you. Only help. In a same time, I realize that you now are feeling low because of me. I can read it from your eyes. It means that you recognize orang yang diperhitungkan. You think that I am better than you. Until you say that everyone will only listen to me, not you, who are the formal leader. Whatta damn yeah. I don’t have any wishes to grab any power. I am already leader (at least for myself). For what? Buat apa? If I want, I will take the chance since I am the leader of year-end meeting because that is the point I do. Furthermore, I am taking much chances become a leader for several occasions. Udah terlalu sering. For me, yang pantas untuk jadi pemimpin adalah laki laki. Aint me have any capability as a leader? Tentu saya punya. Kalau saya nggak punya kapabilitas yang pantas, saya nggak akan mampu mengatasi sekian bulan tanpa kamu disini. Ya, saya bisa jadi leader. Tapi jika ada laki laki, kenapa tidak?. Saya lebih suka dipimpin oleh seorang laki laki daripada perempuan. Karena laki laki adalah imam. Panutan. Sedangkan perempuan akan lebih baik menjadi makmum meskipun bisa untuk jadi pemimpin. dan saya adalah makmum. Dan.. perempuan terlalu membubuhkan perasaan. Termasuk saya. Ya, karena saya perempuan. Sedangkan kalian, para laki laki, lebih membawa logika.
Come back again, I know that you are not able to walk alone. As The Script says: I laid the key under mat if you ever come back. Kapanpun kau kembali, selalu ada tempat untukmu. (I swear I already text the lyric through whatsapp and ready to send for you in the night you are going to the home with galau. But then I decide to clear it. I just feel too emotional at that time cause see you are sinking in the galau-zone. Tuh kan, saya jadi ikutan nggak cetha.) That’s why I prepare everything for you in this second semester. I try to collect some of new leader who will responsible with some big events, I try to re-track some of the documents, I try to recollect some people and take their idea to build this as better. So then when you come back, you will be easy to walk since everything has been prepared before. Cause I know you are too trifle. But, I don’t know how you respond this or how do you feel. I always suggest to you to talk more and more. Try to low down your ego. But if you still look me as a throne-grabber, it is your business. I am none of it. Sorry, I am too busy too just think about you. Saya terlalu sibuk untuk memikirkan petualangan petualangan yang seru dibandingkan hanya untuk mengincar kursi pemimpin.
I exhale the air. In weight. In the night my kakak-kakak collect us and talk heart by heart, deep in my mind I want to cry. Feeling so low because I could not do better. I do as well as I can but I think it is not maximum effort I can give. So sad of me. Feel pity of me. As part of the older here, I could not keep what they already done. When you guys go on and I must take care of everything, I still cannot be a good leader. Hiks.
I exhale, so deep. I smile. You always see me in a good mood, laugh and happy face. Kau selalu melihatku sebagai gadis periang. But, here deep in my heart, don’t you see that I am okay? Sometimes no. Sometimes I am sad. Yeah, I am human. I don’t have one feeling only. Too many colors and too many soursweet pieces in my mind.
I feel so low. Hiks.